Thursday Thirteen: Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Thursday Thirteen: Car Insurance Excuses

- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
- The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
- I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeard in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
- The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
- I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
- I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Thursday Thirteen: You Might Be a Technician if...

- you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.
- you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends."
- you think your computer looks better without the cover.
- you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."
- you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
- you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
- the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
- the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it.
- you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
- you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
- you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
- you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

Thursday Thirteen - CIA: Computer Industry Acronyms

- CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
- ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
- MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
- DOS: Defunct Operating System
- WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
- OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
- PnP: Plug and Pray
- APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
- IBM: I Blame Microsoft
- MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
- COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
- MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

Thursday Thirteen - You know you work for the Government when...

- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.

- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.

- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.

- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.

- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.

- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.

- It's dark when you drive to and from work.

- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.

Thursday Thirteen! You know you're old when...

- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.

- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

- You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

- You get winded playing chess.

- Your children begin to look middle-aged.

- You join a health club and don't go.

- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

BACK!!!

Aaaaand.... the JOKES Blog... after a MASSIVELY long break... is BACK!!

Brace yourself against a WEALTH of hilarious jokes... and enjoy laughing :)

- The Bizarre Jokester